Self-Proclaimed Supermom

Test Results Are Back

Well I called my family doctor to get the results from my ultrasound test.  It looks like I have to get surgery.  Just frigin great.

I will be meeting with the surgeon on October 3rd, and see what my options are.  They are sending me all sorts of paperwork in the mail to fill out. 

Nobody actually said the C word, but I don't know.  I have a bad feeling that the doctors are thinking that and just not telling me.  I guess I will find out when I meet with the surgeon.

They said one of the nodules was large, and I guess that is why they want to get rid of it as soon as they can.

You never think about thyroid stuff.  It's just another part of your body.  Have you ever seen thyroid surgery scars?  They are hideous.  And that is one of my favorite places on my body.  I am really sad about this.  I don't want to have that frigin ugly scar right there staring in everyone's face.  This sucks.

Still nervous.

Time To Get My Brain Back On Track (I Guess)

So I opened the big book full of providers for our insurance yesterday.  Because like I said before, I didn't want to go back to where I was going.  If FAB was still there and could be my therapist again, then yes, but now she has her own practice, doesn't take my insurance, and charges $130.00 a pop.  I just can't afford that.

So I found another place, just as close, gave them a call, and made an appointment.  I asked for a woman to talk to, because I find that easier in the therapy department.  Like they can understand me better or something, I don't know.  So I have an appointment at 4 today.  Here we go again.

I was really making progress with FAB back in the day.  She was good.  I miss her.  I still have the notes from those sessions, and I will probably drag that book out today and read over it.  See what is the same and what has changed.  Because honestly I don't know what to tell this doctor.  I mean life is good, life is fine, I am content.  I just don't get it. 

My Mom seems to think that maybe the anxiety has been happening gradually, and it all just came to a head yesterday.  She knows I keep saying how I like to be home and not really go anywhere.  She was worried that maybe I was becoming home-bound, and that isn't healthy.  There are parties coming up that make me anxious just thinking about them.  Even our neighborhood Christmas party, that I usually enjoy, I really don't want to go to this year.

I think the anxiety, in the social sense, comes down to two things right now.  Fear of rejection or saying something really stupid that people can't get out of their minds, and dammit my weight.  They are having the neighborhood Horseshoe tournament this weekend at two houses, next door, and across the street.  And I am not leaving the house, because I don't want anyone to see me and go EWWW.  I know I am EWWW, and I don't need anyone else to remind me.

Maybe today when they get the ultrasound results they will tell me there IS something wrong with my thyroid after all.  And that would explain a lot.  I just don't know.  I just hate the waiting.

I really thought I was okay without my meds.  I mean I have been noticing for the past month, since I have been getting these heart palpitations, that I have seemed to become more opinionated and many things have been grinding my gears.  Things don't usually get to me like they have been over the past month.  It's strange.  And that must have been contributing to this anxiety.

I am home today because the ER doctor told me to do so.  No biggie.  I'm no good to anybody if I'm not good.  So I need to rest today, and that is the plan.  I am thankful that I still have quite a bit of Adivan from my last shrink, because that really helps.  I hate being a mental case.  I hate having to take mental drugs.  I just want to be normal.

I read yesterday that anxiety can be a genetic thing.  My mom had terrible anxiety and panic attacks for 13 years, and after she had my brother, they magically disappeared.  Which means to me that it has GOT to be hormonal too.  My hormones must be all out of whack, or like another doctor friend of mine said, maybe it's the beginnings of going through the change.  Ugh.  I hope not.  I am too young for that.

So there you have it.  My saga.  I haven't been to so many doctors at a time!  This is nuts.  But yes, I am the type of person that thinks things will just go away, and I have to stop being like that.  I need to start getting things checked out right away if something doesn't seem right.  We have rockin insurance now, so it's no big deal.  I used to hate doctors, but now I guess they aren't so bad after all.

My Trip To The ER

Yeah, I had to go to the ER today.  Started feeling very strange at work.  Heart pounding, chest feeling like it was caving in, hands and forearms went numb, face went numb, even my insides felt numb.  My legs were shaking.  I felt like I was going to die.

I drove myself there and prayed the whole time just to get me there safely.  Couldn't find a place to park, but finally did after 5 minutes or so.  Went in, wrote down my symptoms, and within 10 minutes they had me in there doing vitals.  Then they took me back to the room.

They did an EKG.  It was fine.  Did the heart monitor for a good half our or so, fine.  Took my blood, even though I told them they already took my blood at the family doctors on Monday and would probably have the results today.  So they called, and found out that all of my bloodwork came back fine (except I have a little high cholesterol...but big frigin whoop).  Even the thyroid stuff came back fine.  What the hell?  Then why do I have an enlarged thyroid and two nodules?  They didn't get the ultrasound test results today like I was told they would, so I have to call back tomorrow.

They ended up telling me that I had a panic attack.  A frigin panic attack.  Why?  I was nervous about all this stuff, but not enough to bring on something like that.  I have had panic attacks before, but THIS one, never like this one.  Fucking scary.  Really scary.  I thought I was going to die sitting in the chair waiting.

I pretty much cried the whole time I was back in the room.  I was so worried about me.  Saying I just don't get it.  Life is good.  Life is fine.  I haven't been stressed out.  This makes no sense to me at all.  If it was the thyroid, then yes, it would make sense.  But these blood tests are saying no.  I am so confused.

It was suggested that I go and see my shrink again and get back on my meds.  I don't want to go back to that shrink.  I don't really care for him and I don't think he gives many medicine options.  I don't want to go back on the bi-polar medicine because I really don't think I have that.  I don't want him to scold me for just going off my meds without his consent.  I have tried Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Prozac, and Lexapro.  And all of them after a while made me feel like a space cadet.  I don't want that.  I like how I feel now.  Just fine.  And the sexual side effects suck too.  My libido is low already, mainly due to my weight I think, and I don't want it to get even worse.

Maybe I will go and find a new shrink.  One that can prescribe meds and one that will talk to me too.  My old shrink you go in, what's wrong with you, and he prescribes something.  That's it.  No other talk.  You are in there for 10 minutes.  He really knows nothing about me.  And I don't like that.  I don't know.  But the ER doctor told me to make an appointment right away and get in there.  Ugh.

When I came home today, I took an Adivan.  I haven't had to take that for months.  Many many months.  And I was glad about that.  But not today.  I may even have to take another one soon, because I still feel a bit panicky.  I just don't get it.

Well tomorrow we will find out about the nodules and what that all means.  At least it's looking like I don't have the C word, so that's good.  I am sure something like that would have come up in the blood tests.  I don't know.

So frustrating.  I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me, so we can fix it and make it all better.

The Ultrasound

Today I left from work at 3 to get to my appointment at 4.  I had to get some gas, tap mac so I could get out of the parking garage, and wanted to have some time just to figure out where I had to go.  I mean the last time I got an ultrasound is when I was pregnant with Ben...and that was a long time ago!  So I got directions and found it.

I waited for about 10 minutes, the lady came out and called me back.  Had to pee before the procedure because I guess I was a bit nervous.  So I lay down on the table, she does my right side...looks good.  Did the middle...looks good.  By the time she got to the left side I could watch the monitor, and I saw her circling things.  So when all was said and done I asked her what did she find.  She made mention of nodules and a goiter.  OH boy.

The left side is the side that the doctor said she could see was swollen just by looking at me.  I have tried and tried but I honestly don't see anything.  A doctor will read the pictures, and send the results to my family doctor.  I should know something tomorrow.

Now this could be a normal thing.  From what I have read, this does happen for either over or underactive thyroid.  Luckily only 5% of nodules are cancerous.  There it is.  The C word.  It scares the shit out of me.

My Dad had lymphoma, and died young.  When I walked out of the hospital, and I walked through the waiting room, there was a big sign for their cancer center.  I was pretty close to losing it right there, and shed some tears in the car.  I haven't been to that hospital since he died.  It made me really really sad.  And scared.

So hopefully tomorrow the blood tests will be back too.  I am really hoping they won't be talking biopsy, cause that would scare me even more.  I am only 39 years old.  What the fuck?

Still scared.

New Health Issues

Yeah, I have some new health issues in my life.  It sucks.  I waited...yet again...too long to go to the doctor about it, but I did today.

What made me go?  Well they had a House MD marathon on yesterday, and that spooked me a bit, and Hubz telling me to go.  Felt like crap yesterday, dizzy, fever and all (not related), felt yukky this morning, so said screw it, I am staying home and making an appointment to see my family doctor.

What the hell is it already?  Well...for about a month now, my heart has been feeling kind of strange.  Like I just sit there and I can feel my heart beating fast, even kinda feels a bit swollen.  I know it's there.  It would only happen off and on, but over the weekend it was pretty constant.  Over this month I have made sure that Maddy knows how to call 911 and that Hubz's cell phone number is in the Rolodex at work.  Just in case something bad happens to me.

So I go to the doctor's today, and of course the first thing they do is put you on the scale.  I asked if maybe I could skip that part, but no.  So I see I have gained 7 MORE pounds.  What the hell?  How can this be?  I just don't get it.  (Oh and by the way...I only took those diet pills for a few days, not even correctly, and stopped yesterday, so that has nothing to do with this).  So they take me back to the room, and while I waited (and even before I got there) I figured that maybe I have high blood pressure.  My Dad had it and my Mom has it, so why wouldn't I get it too.  But I sat there, and the girl came in to do my blood pressure, and it was a tad high, but nothing to be concerned with.  She left, waited some more, as my heart pounds, and finally the doctor comes in.  It was a woman doctor, one I haven't met before, but I didn't care.  So she asks what the problem is and then listens to my heart, and tells me that yes, I do have a rapid heartbeat, looks at me, looks at my neck, and says, "I think it's your thyroid."  Hmmm, interesting.  So I ask her, "Doesn't that have something to do with gaining weight too?"  She told me yes.  Hmmmm.  A few years ago when I was doing that Social Anxiety Study, and they did blood tests, they told my something with my thyroid looked goofy too, but of course I never got it checked out.  So after three tubes of blood being drawn, I have a referral to see a Cardiologist, and tomorrow at 4pm, I will be at the hospital getting an ultrasound of my thyroid.  Fun stuff.

What is strange, is that I have to wait TWO WEEKS to see the Cardiologist.  I mean come on now.  I asked the lady if I could be expecting a heart attack in the next two weeks, and she told me that I have nothing to worry about.  Well, my chest says otherwise.  I just hope and pray nobody has to take me to the ER in the next two weeks while I wait. 

Doctor said it would be a week for my blood tests to come back.  The Phlebotomist (who I know by the way, and we reconnected today...I taught her how to do nails back in the day, how funny) said that they will be back either tomorrow or the next day.  Good news if I don't hear, possible bad news if I do.  And honestly, I am expecting a call.

From what I read online, some things make no sense to me.  If you have a Hyperthyroid, it will make your heart beat fast, you will lose weight, yadda, yadda, yadda.  If you have underactive thyroid, you will gain weight, be much more sensitive to cold, etc etc.  According to the symptoms that I have read, I would have the underactive thyroid, and if that is the case, what the hell is up with my heart?

So there you have it.  That is the fun and excitement going on with me. 

I will keep you posted.  And make sure that Hubz knows the password to this blog if I die.  Just kidding :)  Okay, not really.

I am scared.

PMS=Crazy Brain

I think this has been the WORST PMS week I have had in a long time.  All sorts of crap swirling through my brain.  Opinionated crap.  Ugh.

MJ went to her best friend's house for a sleepover party last night.  My heart dropped when she told me because I think her mom is a wift.  Maybe I am just thinking things, or being oh so opinionated in my head, but here is why.

Strike One: Mom calls out of the blue and asks for her daughter to sleep over.  She never even met me.  Her daughter is over an hour later.  I hate surprises, and it pissed me off a little.  But for Maddy...I said yes.

Strike Two:  She calls her daughter out of school quite a bit.  Okay, maybe more than quite a bit.  Usually because the mom oversleeps.  How does she hold down a job??  I find it strange and very irresponsible.

Strike Three: We invited the daughter to come sleep over at our house, talked to the mom, everything was set up.  The day she was supposed to sleep over, Maddy tried calling her friend numerous times throughout the day, and the kid wasn't there.  So we figured she wasn't sleeping over.  Maddy was crying...just devastated.  We come to find out the next day that they went to some family party that day.  Okay, so a phone call would have been nice!  What the hell? 

So there you have it.  My opinionated self.  Wishing that Maddy had a best friend that I could be friends with her Mom too, but that ain't happening with this one. 

I have been reading all of these horrible things on the news lately about people near my town that have been caught doing child p**n.  It makes me sick.  And because I think the mother's boyfriend is a bit scary, this is the kind of crap that goes through my head.  My heart just dropped when she left last night. 

Maddy is a tween now.  I have come to the conclusion that now is the time that I have to learn to let go a little.  Because in a few years she will want to be with her friends all the time, and not hanging out with me.  It sucks, I hate it.  Because I want her here with me.

Maybe I will just move my family to an underground bomb shelter...then I wouldn't have to deal with this crap.

Oh how PMS just makes things look and feel worse than they are. 

The Beginnings Of A Makeover (Again)

Well now that my hair is blonde again, and I am used to it now, and loving it, it's time for another makeover.

This happens every few years..or maybe even once a year, I don't know, that I want to change things up.  Feel better about myself. 

So I ordered a new skin care line, and hopefully it will work out.  And I broke down after much research and review reading for some diet pills.  I opted for Caffeine-Free Hydroxycut.  Good reviews, moderately priced, and I have seen the ads for it in all the magazines for quite a while now. 

So I went to GNC yesterday to go and get it.  I called first, because the one near my work was the one I was stopping at on the way home, and it is always empty.  So I went in, and of course I was the only one in there, and I told that guy that I had called earlier.  He led me right to the product and proceeded to tell me all about it.  Very quickly I might add.  I was also given a B-12 caplet and offered to try some nasty sounding protein drink.  I think he was very lonely and I was probably the only sale he had all day.  I felt bad for him.  So sad. 

So today is the day to try them.  You take 2 pills 30-60 minutes before each meal and don't snack after dinner (I don't usually snack after dinner...it's always BEFORE dinner because by the time I get home from work I am STARVING...which seems to be a part of my problem).  He said it will suppress my appetite...which is exactly what I am looking for.  Because I started eating a banana for breakfast, and I am still hungry.  Eat my turkey sandwich for lunch...still hungry.  But by the time dinner comes I am fine...because I snack before dinner every day, bad things, like barbecue chips or pizza goldfish.  Ugh.  So frustrating.  And I know those prenatal vitamins didn't help either.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I just hope I'm not so hungry...and I also hope that nobody has to take me to the ER.

My DVR

Now that I am back into watching TV, I don't know what I would do without my DVR.  Now that we are back to school there is so much to do at night, there isn't a whole lot of TV time for me.  Homework to be done.  Dinner to be made.  Cleaning the kids to be done.  Putting out the clothes for the next day.  Etc, etc.  Thank goodness there is still time for beer.

My recordings:

The NEW 90210 (taped it last night and can't wait to watch it)
King of Queens
Beverly Hills 90210
The Secret Life Of The American Teenager
Everyday Italian with Giada
Easy Entertaining (which I never do anyway, but whatever) with Michael Chiarello
Drake and Josh

At this rate, by the time Friday comes I will have a crapload to watch during the day while the kids are at school.  But really the plan is drop them off, and go back to bed.  Before I used to sleep most of the day (what a load I was) but this year is going to be different.  I am going to watch TV, read books, and clean.  Because honestly, if I could call them out of school every Friday I would.  I will miss them so much.

Busy Busy Busy (And That's Okay)

Well, Ben's room looks amazing.  Like a whole new room.  We all chipped in.  Hubz and I edged and rollered while on the other wall, the kids painted pictures.  A great time was had by all.  And an exhausting time.  I ordered him a curtain and he will be good to go.  It's Buzz Blaster Blue from Behr Disney Colors.  He picked it out himself.  Good pick.  No more nursery.  Now it's a big boy's room!!

Ugh, now I have to type in the middle...whatever.  Anywho...went to bed early last night because I had three beers then I was wiped, had crazy dreams.  Then woke up around 8am, made the coffee and cooked the kids breakfast.  Went to the grocery store and spent a crapload of money (again), and now the fridge, freezer, and pantry is stocked.  Made Giada's Marinara Sauce today, because I felt like cooking, did four loads of laundry, etc etc.  Eh, why bore you with the details.  Yeah yeah, I know you want to see my hair.  Okay, here it is.  I look thrilled don't I?  Tee hee

Yikes, I've gotta get me some Dexatrim!

All Fixed And Busy Weekend Again

Yes my hair is all fixed now.  One of the instructors at school did it for me, since the girl who did it first didn't show up at school yesterday.  Maybe she was mad because I wasn't happy with my hair?  I sure hope not, because honestly it wasn't her fault at all.  Hubz stared at me off and on all night.  He loves it.  Every time I look in the mirror I go WOAH!  Because it is a big change.  In a few days I will be used to it.  But I love it.  I feel like me again.  I think I look so much better blonde!  HOORAY!

Today the kids and I are going to Burger King for lunch, because they have Neopets toys there and Maddy is totally into it.  So since it's the last Friday we will have together in a long time, I caved and said OK we will go.  Then we have to go to Staples and get even MORE school supplies.  It's cool though, it won't break the bank.

Saturday my in laws are taking the kids for their last dip in the pool and taking them overnight.  So finally, after two months, Hubz and I will have a date night.  We aren't going anywhere.  We are just going to get a big bottle of wine, some chinese, and hang out at home.  I can't wait.  It will be very romantic.  Maybe I should go to Vicki's and get a little something....

Then either on Sunday or Monday we are all painting Ben's room.  We got the paint last weekend.  His room still looked like a nursery, and he is 7 now, so it's time.  So we ripped the border off and will paint the whole room.  He needed a makeover in there.  We may change the furniture around too, we shall see.

I am happy because there are NO barbeques this weekend.  We aren't having one and we aren't going to any.  That is fine with me.  I like being a homebody. 

Have a great weekend, and enjoy the extra day off!!