Self-Proclaimed Supermom

Not Much To Say

2008-10-13T13:32:27-04:00

Except for I am shaky and the meds aren't helping today.

I am very very nervous about tomorrow.

Tried to call to get the scan results, but no call back yet.

Frustrating, and scary.

I hate this.

Two Doggies...YIKES

2008-10-11T09:33:36-04:00

Sammy just wants to sniff and play. Gracie wants nothing to do with Sammy. Sammy will chase her and she runs. So we put them in separate rooms so Gracie can get used to all of the noise and silliness that goes on around here.

Last night Gracie slept upstairs with me and Sammy stayed downstairs with Hubz. She walked around the room a bit but pretty much stayed on her bed. She greeted me this morning with kisses, which I loved, then I went to take them outside.

Gracie will not do her business if Sammy is around. Sammy doesn't care, he does what he has to do. So I sent Sammy in and just had Gracie out back, then she did what she had to do, but I can't be on the patio, I have to be standing in the grass for her to go.

We will all get used to each other. It may take a while, but it will all work out.

Damn, I have quite a bit going on in my life right now!!

My Day and Other Crap

2008-10-09T20:02:13-04:00

Well really it's just about my day. My brutally exhausting day. I am wiped.

So I wake up this morning and couldn't have my coffee, and haven't had any all day, which gave me a wicked headache. Headed down to the hospital and down to Nuclear Medicine. I fill out some forms and the lady takes me back. She gives me a radioactive pill and tells me to come back at 1pm. Oh great, I thought this crap would be over with within the hour or so, nope. So I had to go back home and call out of work. Then just figured I would go back to bed for a bit.

Then Hubz calls, which wakes me up, so by that time I was allowed to eat something, so I make a bagel and hop on the computer. Checking my usual sites, which includes my bank account. Three of the charges that the bitchy stealer made were on there, and the money was out of my account. I was TWISTED. Three charges at the same gas station, two for 75.00 and one for 36.00. What did she call all her friends and say hey, let's fill up our trucks? So I called the bank and told them I had spoken with them numerous times this week and why were these charges taken out of my account anyway. I was told I would have to go down to the bank and fill out some fraud papers. Ugh! So I go down to the bank and there are two more charges coming through tonight. Great...just great. So I have to go back tomorrow, with the police report, and fill out this paperwork and I will get the money back in 7-10 days. I am sorry but that is crap. I am so angry.

Then I ride back down to the hospital and get the scan. I laid on a table with a pillow under my shoulders so my head would be back. What was cool is that for 2 out of the 4 pictures I could see the monitor. It was like a little planetarium or something. So after a bit the picture of my thyroid comes up. I did not like what I saw. My right side, just fine, my left side, quite bigger than the right. It was the size of my right lobe and a half. Oh boy. Then after that was done they took me into a room and put a metal pole on my leg for three minutes then on my neck for three minutes. It's called an uptake and I think it's measuring the iodine in my system or something...so I have to go back tomorrow and have that done again. I have seen more of that hospital than I would like to.

In the mean time, I call work and was told that I had to come over there because the cops had some pictures for me to look at. So I drive down there and about 15 minutes later they come in. There are 8 black and white photos, just head shots, that I was to look at. They were women from the area that have been arrested for this kind of thing before. So my co worker looked first, then I looked and one looked like it could be her, but I wasn't sure. So next week we get to look at Target surveillance tapes, and apparently the one they think it was has a pile of credit cards in her hand. Guaranteed that is her. STILL TWISTED.

Then I go to see Judy, we talked about everything I have written here and then some. It was just a whirlwind and happened so fast, I am not even sure about everything we talked about.

Then Hubz brings the kids home and Maddy and Ben are fighting, Ben is crying. Then Maddy is crying because her friend at school is being a complete and total bitch. I can't take it. I was ready to run away. So Ben calmed down and I talked to Maddy for a bit, and made some dinner. I told Hubz that since he is feeling better that homework is on him, because I am just wiped.

We are getting Gracie back tomorrow night, but the kids don't know yet. I keep telling them a special visitor is coming, so and interesting weekend is in store for me.

Beer ain't cutting it these days. I think I need to go for something harder.

Feeling Blessed

2008-10-08T17:14:19-04:00

The police went to Target today and watched the surveillance tapes and have a few pics for me to look at. That is just wonderful. I hope they get that woman.

There are just so many people that love and/or really care for me and give me such support in this situation and my thyroid situation. I am so very thankful.

I feel very blessed and warm and fuzzy inside.

Thanks everyone.

1st Test Tomorrow

2008-10-08T07:54:44-04:00

Tomorrow at 8:30am I will be getting a thyroid scan. They put an iv in me (ewww and oww) and inject radioactive dye into me. Then they take all sorts of pictures of my thyroid. Fun and more fun.

Yes, I do plan on going to work tomorrow, I just hope that I don't feel sick to my stomach after, which is a possibility.

I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tonight...so no coffee for me until who knows what time. Ugh!

Wish me luck!

I Just Need A Day

2008-10-07T07:02:16-04:00

I just need a day to lay in bed all day and just cry my little eyes out. That is exactly what I need right now.

It just seems to be nothing but bad luck around here lately.

The other night I had a dream that something was on top of me. It didn't have a color or a shape, just something holding me down so I couldn't get up. I tried so hard to wake up, and I finally did and was totally freaked out.

So I told Hubz about it the next day, and it totally freaked him out. He felt there was some kind of evil in our house so why don't we use the sage and smudge around the house. So he did that next night. Indoors and out. Then he smudged with the sweetgrass to bring in the good. A few hours later I noticed this horrible smell lingering. Not the usual "after the sage/sweetgrass smudging" smell. I didn't say anything until the next morning.

Hubz told me the next morning that he smelled a horrible smell after we smudged. Then I told him I smelled it too...well then we BOTH FREAKED OUT. I figured it was the sage battling the evil that gave off that stench. Which means there was quite a bit of evil around here. Pretty scary if you believe in that sort of thing, which I do.

But why? Why is there evil in our house? I think of it this way. Evil preys on the weak. I am very weak right now health wise and mind wise. So I am the perfect target. I am just a magnet. Yeah come on evil, kick me when I am down. Just great.

Of course when you try to google the situation about a horrible smell after smudging, there is nothing. There sure are quite a few pages about how to...but nothing about the after.

This month Hubz, my mom, and the kids and I are planning to go to the Mind Body Spirit Expo. Mom and I enjoy it every year and this year Hubz wants to see what all the fuss is about. I will be sure to find someone there who might be able to answer my questions. Maybe my hunch was right.

A bit freaky I must say.

Let's Just Add To The Pile

2008-10-06T17:04:17-04:00

My fucking wallet was stolen today. Right out of my purse that was under my desk at work.

A lady came in with her two kids and asked to use the phone. So, as usual, I told her she could use my phone. I left from my desk but my two co-workers were right there, one at his desk and the other making copies, and that sneaky bitch somehow got into my purse and stole my wallet.

I didn't notice it was missing until I went to get my wallet for lunch money. It wasn't there. I tried to think, maybe I left it at home, but I ALWAYS put my wallet back in my purse when I am done with it. So instead of worrying, my co-worker suggested that I drive home and take a look. So I did.

Looked everywhere, and no sign of the wallet, then my home phone rings. I pick it up and it is my bank calling to tell me there had been fraudulent charges on my debit card. Bingo! That bitch stole it.

She tried for $1.00 increments at gas stations, figured that would work so let's go bigger. Used one of my credit cards to attempt to buy gas, stuff at Target, and then go to lunch at KFC. Then she used my Home Depot card and tried to spend $350.00 there. They denied it. Interesting.

So of course I called all of the credit card companies to let them know my cards had been stolen, but the Home Depot one, I asked the lady why they would have flagged it. And she said that once they get to a certain amount of a purchase, they ask for ID and/or check the signatures, and nothing matched.

What grinds my gears, is that when these things wouldn't go through, where the hell is the security at these stores? Why didn't they approach her?

The manager at the home depot said that they have surveillance cameras and they know what time this transaction happened, and the police could come and take a look if they wanted, but honestly, when I talked to the police, they didn't ask for much info from me, and when I tried to offer information, they didn't want it. Eh, just wait and get statements from the credit card people then bring it down to the station. Dude, that could be a month from now. I was pissed, and didn't feel very helped.

But my co-worker wanted to do his own police work, so he headed down to the local mall to see if the lady was there trying to use my cards. I mean she has two kids, and I had a Children's Place card in there, so you would think that she would go there. He also called the store in the mall, gave a description and told them that this woman may be trying to use my credit card. What a good friend. Wow. I really appreciated that.

What I am most concerned with though, is that my license was in there, my medical cards, and Ben's school ID. So I emailed the principal and told him what was going on and he said he would be on the lookout and for me not to worry. But this chick has my address. I just don't want anyone to hurt my family, and that is my main concern.

With the medical cards, and these tests coming up, the hospital assured me that they have copies of my card and can get the copy whenever I need it. So I was thankful for that.

But I mean, my whole life was in there. And it was a Coach wristlet, that I loved. I just feel violated, and had. I am wicked pissed. First I was sad and scared, but now I am more pissed than anything.

They better find that chick, and dammit I am pressing charges.

What a great way to start the week.

After Three Weeks Of Waiting...

2008-10-03T14:16:36-04:00

...I finally met with the surgeon today. They had all my paperwork and I was ready to go, I was thankful that I didn't have to wait long.

So he comes in and sits down and asked me how this all started in the first place. So I told him that I went to my family doctor for heart palpitations and they told me it was my thyroid. He corrected them and told me that since all of my bloodwork came back okay, that the palpitations have nothing to do with my thyroid at all. Then he asked me about my anxiety, and if that makes my heart race. And I said yes. He said that could have everything to do with the thyroid. Interesting.

Then he sat me in a chair, stood behind me, and felt my neck SO HARD and asked me to swallow. He felt something. So now I have two more tests I have to go through. He said he doesn't even want to think about having to cut me open until he knows what he is dealing with. Also, it may be a watch and wait situation. We won't know til the tests come back.

So next Thursday I will be getting a thyroid scan. They will inject me with some sort of radioactive dye and take pictures of my thyroid. When that info comes back, then he will make me an appointment for a biopsy. Just great. They give you a local and stick a needle in your neck three different times. Ooh I can't wait for that one.

He was a very nice man. To the point. He told me that usually when this happens to a woman my age it isn't cancerous, that usually happens when a woman is older. But of course, he just wants to make sure. And that works for me.

I can't eat anything from 12 midnight the night before until after my appointment at 8:30 that day is over. So no coffee for me that morning. And I can't have any kind of shellfish for three days before the test. Well that's no big to me, because I don't eat that very often anyway.

I went right downstairs after my appointment and registered for the scan. That way I don't have to worry about any of that nonsense that morning. Because I will be nervous enough.

After my appointment I felt shaky and numb. You never think that anything is going to be seriously wrong with you. Kinda scary. But I feel that these doctors know what they are doing and are going to fix whatever it is that is wrong with me.

Well I just got off the phone with the surgeon's office and my biopsy is scheduled for October 14th at 9am. I like that this is all getting done with a quickness. Good and good.

The Time Just Goes Too Fast

2008-10-02T17:57:27-04:00

I swear, these therapy appointments just fly by.

Today we continued talking about my tendency to be overly critical. I told her that the rubberband on the wrist trick is really getting me to notice when I am being overly critical/judgemental. When I first put it on I was snapping it all the time, but by today, I might have only snapped it three times. Not bad if you ask me. I am very proud of myself, and will continue to still wear the band, and snap it when needed.

We also discussed a new issue about me and constantly being dumped on. Everyone seems to tell me their problems, and I don't know why. I mean people that I hardly know. Am I easily approachable? A good listener? I don't know. Maybe I have dumb ass written across my forehead.

Anyway, I told her that other people's problems ALWAYS weigh heavy on my heart. I mean come on now, I have my own problems and others are just piling on top of those. I tried telling myself that their problems aren't about me and have nothing to do with me, but that just isn't working. So she asked me if I am religious at all, and I said yes. She said I should say two prayers. One for me, that I can let it go, and one for them. Let go...and let God. I am all over it. That works for me. But next week I am going to ask her what her advice would be on that topic if the person wasn't religious, and see what she says.

The first time I went in, she gave me a bunch of handouts about panic and anxiety. So I went through them and wrote down the points that I found to be useful to me, and I would like to share them with you.

-Sensitive people tend to be nervous, cautious, and shy
-Constant conflict and doing things you dread places demands on the body
-Over protected children develop fearful and vivid fantasies (Ugh, Maddy has this and so do I)
-Over controlled children may be raised with constant criticism and as adults they strive to appear normal, calm, and perfect
-Both types of people (either over protected or over controlled) approach life with a controlling attitude
- Any situation that triggers deviant reactions is very upsetting (not being in control)
-Panic may happen when you can no longer live up to your own standards (HA!! THIS IS TOTALLY ME)
-People with a perfectionist personality seem to be pre-disposed to panic
-Things that happened in the past (such as near drowning/my miscarriage) some things/situations can trigger those bad memories and cause panic
-Brooding, making up fake situations in your head, can cause panic/anxiety
-And just the fear of fear itself

Very very interesting to me. All of those things pertain to me, and they were eye openers. I hope that Judy and I can delve in a little deeper on these topics.

My eyes got a bit teary a few times this session, and I had to stop talking for a moment. I think honestly I just need a good cry.

Don't we all?

Gracie

2008-10-02T07:49:38-04:00

Who is Gracie you may say...well read all about what happened with her HERE. (And sheesh, that was when I was popular...look at all of those COMMENTS)!

Well we are getting her back. It's been two years and she has been with our friends, but it's just not working out with them over there with new allergies surfacing and a new baby, so she is coming back to us.

When my co-worker would bring her into work once in a while, she would come right up to me and give me kisses. She remembered me. She is usually a bit skittish around new people, and I just wanted to cry right there while she gave me the sweet kisses.

So now we are going to have two dogs. I will teach them how to be buddies, I think it will take a few days but they will get used to each other. With two dogs jumping and barking when someone knocks on the door...nobody will want to come over LOL!

I am happy, I must admit. A bit nervous about how it's all going to work out but it will. We haven't told the kids yet...we are going to tell them that day (possibly this weekend, definitely next weekend) that a special visitor is coming over. They ask about Gracie all the time and haven't seen her since we had to give her up. They are going to be THRILLED...Hubz is sure thrilled...

Look how sweet...

What Is It About Wednesdays?

2008-10-01T09:41:56-04:00

This is now the third Wednesday in a row that sucks. What is it about Wednesdays?

Let's see...

This morning trying to get the kids ready was a nightmare. Every day I tell them to get ready and then go downstairs for 10 minutes while they are brushing teeth and getting dressed. Lately, when I come back upstairs, they STILL aren't dressed or anything, they have just been playing all that time. This, in turn, makes me late to work, pretty much daily. This morning I yelled. I was pissed. So of course since I yelled, Ben called me mean, etc, etc. And pretty much didn't want to talk to me the rest of the time. Yes, I am the meanest mom ever, because THEY didn't do what they were asked...AGAIN.

Well today I have to pick them up from school, and Ben wasn't very happy about that. Which, of course, hurt my feelings a bit, but oh right, I am the meanest mom EVER...I forgot. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about this shit til they were teenagers, guess I was wrong.

So I get to work, and have issues with students. Just great. I don't know why they have to bombard me first thing in the morning, but that's the way it is. All sorts of issues, that of course I can't discuss on this blog, but they are BIG issues. Why am I always the dumpee? No wait, that would be Hubz, because I dump on him constantly. Poor guy.

So all in all, this day sucks so far. I sure hope it gets better, because the past few Wednesdays have sucked all around, and I just don't have the emotional energy for it today.

The Results Are In

2008-09-29T14:31:55-04:00

I finally got to talk with the cardiologist today about my heart monitor results. And this is what she said.

She told me that there was nothing irregular on there. Yes there were rapid heartbeats, exactly when I wrote I was feeling that way on the log. But nothing out of normal range. So there you go.

So chalk it up to fucking anxiety. That is what it is. You know when you are fearful, and your heart races...well that is what happens to me, for no reason whatsoever.

And all of the doctors think that my anxiety and heart palpitations have to do with the thyroid. Ugh, just rip it out already.

I have my appointment with the surgeon this Friday at 11am. I will be curious as to what he says. I mean come on now, I have been waiting 3 weeks for this appointment. They'd better not cancel it, or I will flip.

Since my heart monitor results came back okay, I am half tempted to just cancel my stress test/ecko appointment. Why am I going? It seems pointless to me. But I will wait and see what the surgeon says, and take it from there.

I Knew This Time Would Come

2008-09-27T08:05:00-04:00

Well I have come to find out that Maddy doesn't believe in Santa anymore. I told her that I have been wondering about it for a year now, and now the truth finally comes out.

So of course I asked her how she found out, thinking it would be someone at school telling her or something. No.

Last year she got an MP3 player for Christmas. Everyone kept saying how the MP3 player was from Nannan and how cool was that...when on the gift tag, it said from Santa. Ahhhh, gotcha.

So she said she was a bit disappointed but will keep it alive for Ben. Our little secret. I told her how Hubz and I do all of our shopping in one day and love every minute of it, and that they sleepover at Gram's and we wrap everything that night and hide it. She liked that story.

This year she really wants a Nintendo DS. So I told her, if she is getting that and games that go with it, that she is going to have a very small pile this year compared to Ben's. She was fine with that.

Wow, here we are. I knew this day would come, and honestly, it's okay.

Overly Critical...Etc.

2008-09-25T19:51:37-04:00

In my mind, and usually I only share these things with Hubz, I am overly critical about others. I guess I will just come right out and give an example.

If we are at the mall or something, and I see a mom with her kids, and her kids have dirty/messy hair and wrinkly clothes, I judge. I think to myself, what the hell is wrong with that mother? Why can't she take care of her kids? What is the big deal to make your kids look presentable. This is why I iron the kids clothes every day (yes, even on the weekends) and plan particular outfits if we are going anywhere, because I don't EVER want anyone thinking that about me and my kids.

Okay, in all honesty though, I don't know that mother's situation. They might not have the money for that, or the mom might have an illness or something, maybe even a deep depression, and just doesn't have the energy for that. I don't know. But here I am judging, and I don't know the story.

There is me being overly critical, and because I am overly critical, I think that others will also be overly critical of me, when that may not be the case at all. Like Judy said today, "Rhonda, it's not always about you." Hmmm, interesting.

So now when I am being overly critical either about myself or others, I have a rubber band on my wrist to snap. And if I miss a time, I am not to be hard on myself, because there will be many other times that I will need to snap that thing.

I need to learn how to be accepting, and not judgemental. When I went for my Reiki 1 class a few years back, I met the teacher, and was just in awe of her. She welcomed me with open arms and treated me like I was a part of her family or something. All accepting, no judgments, just love. I could feel the love coming from her and she didn't know a thing about me. THAT is how I want to be. That is my goal. I want to be that way with others and with myself.

Only a few people in my life have been overly critical of me. Judy had asked me for names and a few came right off the tip of my tongue, but otherwise I really couldn't think of anyone. So just a few people in my life have made me this way. What about all of the other people in my life that haven't been judgemental or critical of me? Why can't I embrace how they were to me, why do I always have to focus on those few people that consistently hurt me? Why? Because I hold grudges. I hold grudges a good long time. Another thing we need to talk about in therapy. I mean I hold grudges from elementary school and high school. Just can't let them go, but that is another story for another time...

So So Tired

2008-09-25T12:52:43-04:00

I am wiped. I am frigin exhausted. It has been an interesting past few days.

Ben has been nothing but a nightmare the past two nights with homework. I can't do it's and tears, taking him two hours or so to do one math page. I don't want to do homework, I don't like homework, I don't want to read, blah, blah, blah.

It has been crazy busy at work, and now we will be getting a new software system for the students, so something new I will have to learn. Important reports due and they don't have the updates ready.

Just a smidge stressed with Ben and work. I mean the month of October is going to be insane for me.

Two audits coming up, two big reports due, MIL is getting knee surgery so I don't know what's cooking with the kids, and my possible surgery and all of my doctor's appointments. Just the thought of October makes my heart race.

Ugh. Just want to sleep. But looking forward to therapy today.

MySpace Update: I did make up the fake name and email and flag those girls pages. They did get back to me and will be taking both of them down. I feel much better about it now. But they aren't down yet. I figure I'll give them a week, then email again if needed.